Normally, when I write, I try hard to write my own words. But tonight, I don't have the energy. I haven't had the energy in ages.
As bad as I want to, the spunk is gone right now. As bad as it sounds, it is all coming out in tears and snot. But, I have been reading. Not often is there someone that describes my feelings perfectly, but I think I found it, so I will share it. I only share, because I know others who have the same feelings right now (for different reasons, but the same feelings):
“I have always, essentially, been waiting. Waiting to become something else, waiting to be that person I always thought I was on the verge of becoming, waiting for that life I thought I would have. In my head, I was always one step away. In high school, I was biding my time until I could become the college version of myself, the one my mind could see so clearly. In college, the post-college “adult” person was always looming in front of me, smarter, stronger, more organized. Then the married person, then the person I’d become when we have kids. For twenty years, literally, I have waited to become the thin version of myself, because that’s when life will really begin. And through all that waiting, here I am. My life is passing, day by day, and I am waiting for it to start. I am waiting for that time, that person, that event when my life will finally begin.
I love movies about “The Big Moment” – the game or the performance or the wedding day or the record deal, the stories that split time with that key event, and everything is reframed, before it and after it, because it has changed everything. I have always wanted this movie-worthy event, something that will change everything and grab me out of this waiting game into the whirlwind in front of me. I cry and cry at these movies, because I am still waiting for my own big moment. I had visions of life as an adventure, a thing to be celebrated and experienced, but all I was doing was going to work and coming home, and that wasn’t what it looked like in the movies.
John Lennon once said, “Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.” For me, life is what was happening while I was busy waiting for my big moment. I was ready for it and believed that the rest of my life would fade into the background, and that my big moment would carry me through life like a lifeboat.
The Big Moment, unfortunately, is an urban myth. Some people have them, in a sense, when they win the Heisman or become the next American Idol. But even that football player or that singer is living a life made up of more than that one moment. Life is a collection of a million, billion moments, tiny little moments and choices, like a handful of luminous, glowing pearl. It takes so much time, and so much work, and those beads and moments are so small, and so much less fabulous and dramatic than the movies.
But this is what I’m finding, in glimpses and flashes: this is it. This is it, in the best possible way. That thing I’m waiting for, that adventure, that movie-score-worthy experience unfolding gracefully. This is it. Normal, daily life ticking by on our streets and sidewalks, in our houses and apartments, in our beds and at our dinner tables, in our dreams and prayers and fights and secrets – this pedestrian life is the most precious thing any of us will ever experience.”
- Shauna Niequest
It's perfect, isn't it?
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Scary....
I haven’t written in ages.
There has been a yearning, but never has it felt needed. It still doesn’t feel needed, but I have nowhere to turn right now.
Tonight I face many demons. In most cases, it is my own demons, but at this very moment, the demons of another are attacking me like a swarm of raging bees.
I have many loves in my life, both past and present. There are people that come in and out of your life that you love. If the love is true and honest, it is one that remains no matter what the circumstances.
Right now, I have a love that hasn’t learned to love himself. Have you ever had an undying love for someone that doesn’t love the person they are?
I didn’t know until now, how hard it was. I didn’t realize that those that cared so much about me were hurting because I couldn’t see what I was doing to myself.
Now, I understand.
To those that have tried to love me in the past, those that I have turned away, I am truly sorry. To those that haven't turned away, I don't know how I will ever show or give enough gratitude.
While there are days that loving myself is still hard for me, I now have an undying appreciation for those that have tried so hard in the past to help me see how beneficial it is to at least appreciate the person I am.
Now the real question is what is next? Do I continue giving my undying love to someone that cannot appreciate the person they have the potential to be? Or do I move on like some of those in my past did with me? If I move on, how long until he realizes how much I cared or love.
Even scarier, what if he doesn’t realize it at all?
There has been a yearning, but never has it felt needed. It still doesn’t feel needed, but I have nowhere to turn right now.
Tonight I face many demons. In most cases, it is my own demons, but at this very moment, the demons of another are attacking me like a swarm of raging bees.
I have many loves in my life, both past and present. There are people that come in and out of your life that you love. If the love is true and honest, it is one that remains no matter what the circumstances.
Right now, I have a love that hasn’t learned to love himself. Have you ever had an undying love for someone that doesn’t love the person they are?
I didn’t know until now, how hard it was. I didn’t realize that those that cared so much about me were hurting because I couldn’t see what I was doing to myself.
Now, I understand.
To those that have tried to love me in the past, those that I have turned away, I am truly sorry. To those that haven't turned away, I don't know how I will ever show or give enough gratitude.
While there are days that loving myself is still hard for me, I now have an undying appreciation for those that have tried so hard in the past to help me see how beneficial it is to at least appreciate the person I am.
Now the real question is what is next? Do I continue giving my undying love to someone that cannot appreciate the person they have the potential to be? Or do I move on like some of those in my past did with me? If I move on, how long until he realizes how much I cared or love.
Even scarier, what if he doesn’t realize it at all?
Thursday, April 21, 2011
When the Love Disappears...
Today I was speaking with my best friend. I call a few people my best friend, but this is the one friend that knows everything. Anything that I haven't told him is because he hasn't asked, or we haven't touched on that topic yet, but I know we will - someday.
During our conversation, he told me something that was going on in his life that instantly made me sad - an emotion that I don't really have time for today (or this week, for that matter).
Did you know that there are some special days coming up? Maybe they aren't special to you and I for the same reasons, but this year it is going to be different - at least for me.
There have been many holiday celebrations since I split from my future ex-husband last June, but never have I felt that I was ever alone. Essentially, I am not. I have the most amazing little girl, that makes everyday, not just holidays, a joy and a celebration. And now that I think about it, alone may not be the word I am looking for to describe the feeling that overcame me today.
Every Easter, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Christmas (or whatever holdiay it was), I would do something special for my ex. On Easter, the simple gift of a couple of bags of his favorite candy would make him grin from ear to ear. I was always doing things like that. Never did I expect anything in return, except his happiness, but he usually did something that was as equally thoughtful.
Today, I was reminded about how that changed towards the end.
I remembered how I did so much for him during our last Christmas together, yet he didn't even bother to do anything for me. His excuse was that he didn't have time. An excuse that pisses me off until this day because three weeks before Christmas I had told him about the set of dishes that I was in love with from Wal-Mart, and he was in Wal-Mart three days before Christmas.
A month later, not only did I not see those dishes on my Birthday (which had been pointed out to him in Wal-Mart a few days after Christmas), but he failed to get a card, he didn't wish me Happy Birthday until one of my friends called him and reminded him that it was my special day, and he also forgot to inform our six-year old daughter that it was my Birthday. Again he didn't have time (a bullshit excuse), and I spent most of the night comforting my child, who was upset because she didn't get to make her mom a Birthday card.
I know that there were things before all this happened that started the demise of our marriage. In fact, we had probably both checked out long before this point, but now that I look back on it, I feel like I didn't stop trying until after these two things happened. I got so much happiness and satisfaction out of doing the little things for him, that I was blinded. I couldn't see how disfunctional things had really become.
Today, I am wondering which is worse...That I am upset because I don't have anyone that I can do the small things for? Or that I am upset because I just realized what it was that made the last little bit of love that I had for him disappear?
During our conversation, he told me something that was going on in his life that instantly made me sad - an emotion that I don't really have time for today (or this week, for that matter).
Did you know that there are some special days coming up? Maybe they aren't special to you and I for the same reasons, but this year it is going to be different - at least for me.
There have been many holiday celebrations since I split from my future ex-husband last June, but never have I felt that I was ever alone. Essentially, I am not. I have the most amazing little girl, that makes everyday, not just holidays, a joy and a celebration. And now that I think about it, alone may not be the word I am looking for to describe the feeling that overcame me today.
Every Easter, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Christmas (or whatever holdiay it was), I would do something special for my ex. On Easter, the simple gift of a couple of bags of his favorite candy would make him grin from ear to ear. I was always doing things like that. Never did I expect anything in return, except his happiness, but he usually did something that was as equally thoughtful.
Today, I was reminded about how that changed towards the end.
I remembered how I did so much for him during our last Christmas together, yet he didn't even bother to do anything for me. His excuse was that he didn't have time. An excuse that pisses me off until this day because three weeks before Christmas I had told him about the set of dishes that I was in love with from Wal-Mart, and he was in Wal-Mart three days before Christmas.
A month later, not only did I not see those dishes on my Birthday (which had been pointed out to him in Wal-Mart a few days after Christmas), but he failed to get a card, he didn't wish me Happy Birthday until one of my friends called him and reminded him that it was my special day, and he also forgot to inform our six-year old daughter that it was my Birthday. Again he didn't have time (a bullshit excuse), and I spent most of the night comforting my child, who was upset because she didn't get to make her mom a Birthday card.
I know that there were things before all this happened that started the demise of our marriage. In fact, we had probably both checked out long before this point, but now that I look back on it, I feel like I didn't stop trying until after these two things happened. I got so much happiness and satisfaction out of doing the little things for him, that I was blinded. I couldn't see how disfunctional things had really become.
Today, I am wondering which is worse...That I am upset because I don't have anyone that I can do the small things for? Or that I am upset because I just realized what it was that made the last little bit of love that I had for him disappear?
Thursday, January 20, 2011
What a Girl Wants.....
So, you want something.
Everybody does. Everyone has at least one thing that they can do without, but they feel that they are not going to function if they don’t get it.
For example:
I want more than something. I want a lot of things. I want decent renters in the apartment above my house. I want to get my bills paid and paid off. I want to be skinny (a want that has existed ever since I realized I was supposed to like boys). I want to be rich (so did Calloway – look it up on YouTube for a quick smile). I want to be happy. I want. I want. I want. (I feel so greedy for putting it like that.)
There is one thing I want that I won’t specifically state on here. Some of my closest friends know what it is, but that is a select few (or two, but the phrase “a select two” just doesn’t make sense).
The reason I know this last, non-specified thing is a want is because I don’t need it. I can live without it. Life will happen whether I get it or not. However, this want has left a void. I feel sad or angry or upset or…hell I don’t know how to explain it.
Also, this want is something I can never have. Never. I mean, I can, but chances are pretty slim. I don’t ever expect to get it – yet I still want it. I long for it. I wish for it. I cry about the fact that I can’t have it. Not having this has left a void. (Shit, I think I said “void” earlier…sorry about the repetition).
How does one fill the void? How does one get past that want? How does one not compare other options to what is wanted? I have other options. I have other things to make my empty space seem a little less…well… empty, but I compare those things to what I actually want so much that I just push them aside. Nothing is good enough.
The only thing I want more…is to not want that particular want anymore.
Everybody does. Everyone has at least one thing that they can do without, but they feel that they are not going to function if they don’t get it.
For example:
- My six (and a half) year old daughter wants the Zhu Zhu Pets game for her Nintendo DS and a real live dog (a full-size white French poodle to be more specific). Don’t get me started on the whole “We don’t have time for a dog” speech.
- My first husband wanted and still wants multiple women (hence the reason he is an ex) – as many of them as he can get. Currently his wife and his girlfriend are letting him get away with the fact that each of them know that the other exists. Don’t get me started on this one either.
- According to The Rolling Stones, Mother just wanted a little helper (a.k.a. Vailum).
- And in the great words of the one and only Cyndi Lauper, girls just wanna have fu-un. (Yes, I just broke into song while typing this.)
I want more than something. I want a lot of things. I want decent renters in the apartment above my house. I want to get my bills paid and paid off. I want to be skinny (a want that has existed ever since I realized I was supposed to like boys). I want to be rich (so did Calloway – look it up on YouTube for a quick smile). I want to be happy. I want. I want. I want. (I feel so greedy for putting it like that.)
There is one thing I want that I won’t specifically state on here. Some of my closest friends know what it is, but that is a select few (or two, but the phrase “a select two” just doesn’t make sense).
The reason I know this last, non-specified thing is a want is because I don’t need it. I can live without it. Life will happen whether I get it or not. However, this want has left a void. I feel sad or angry or upset or…hell I don’t know how to explain it.
Also, this want is something I can never have. Never. I mean, I can, but chances are pretty slim. I don’t ever expect to get it – yet I still want it. I long for it. I wish for it. I cry about the fact that I can’t have it. Not having this has left a void. (Shit, I think I said “void” earlier…sorry about the repetition).
How does one fill the void? How does one get past that want? How does one not compare other options to what is wanted? I have other options. I have other things to make my empty space seem a little less…well… empty, but I compare those things to what I actually want so much that I just push them aside. Nothing is good enough.
The only thing I want more…is to not want that particular want anymore.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Practice Makes Perfect
I once had a creative writing professor who always swore up and down that the creative writing process was about more than writing a great story or poem. She stressed that it was about practicing your creativity on a daily basis. She claimed that doing so would allow you to generate writing ideas that you never would have otherwise.
As I look back, I remember how I abhorred her daily practice assignments. At the time they seemed tedious and wasteful - until now.
Last night, while driving home, I watched as the moon peeked through the clouds. Instantly a sentence describing the moon and it's relation to a part of my life popped into my head. At that moment, I realized that the sentence I had composed was what my professor was lecturing about. Creative writing isn't something that just happens for most. It is a masterpiece that is created with detailed thought and practice.
So, I share with you my practice session from last night. It was much easier to complete this task than it was when my professor assigned it ten years ago. I question why that is, but really am not certain that I want to know the answers.
ASSIGNMENT: Write three sentences (or groups of sentences) that describe a feeling you have or something that is inspiring to you. These sentences should be descriptive and help the reader formulate feelings about the topic or about an event in their life that relates to what you have written.
1. The shining silver of the crescent moon takes me back to the twinkle in your eyes.
2. You are a desert flower to these bloodshot eyes. The sunset has got nothing on you.
3. While staring at her reflection in the tranquil water, she became conscious of the fact that time had passed. Starting again might be harder than she had ever imagined.
As I look back, I remember how I abhorred her daily practice assignments. At the time they seemed tedious and wasteful - until now.
Last night, while driving home, I watched as the moon peeked through the clouds. Instantly a sentence describing the moon and it's relation to a part of my life popped into my head. At that moment, I realized that the sentence I had composed was what my professor was lecturing about. Creative writing isn't something that just happens for most. It is a masterpiece that is created with detailed thought and practice.
So, I share with you my practice session from last night. It was much easier to complete this task than it was when my professor assigned it ten years ago. I question why that is, but really am not certain that I want to know the answers.
ASSIGNMENT: Write three sentences (or groups of sentences) that describe a feeling you have or something that is inspiring to you. These sentences should be descriptive and help the reader formulate feelings about the topic or about an event in their life that relates to what you have written.
1. The shining silver of the crescent moon takes me back to the twinkle in your eyes.
2. You are a desert flower to these bloodshot eyes. The sunset has got nothing on you.
3. While staring at her reflection in the tranquil water, she became conscious of the fact that time had passed. Starting again might be harder than she had ever imagined.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
"Writer's Block"
I have so much to say, but I can't.
I am blocked from pounding my feelings out on a keyboard, not because I don't have any feelings to share, but because it will hurt others.
I promised I wouldn't ever breathe a word, and it is a promise that I will keep,
But my heart is heavy with this somewhat forced "writer's block".
I am blocked from pounding my feelings out on a keyboard, not because I don't have any feelings to share, but because it will hurt others.
I promised I wouldn't ever breathe a word, and it is a promise that I will keep,
But my heart is heavy with this somewhat forced "writer's block".
Monday, July 5, 2010
Alone With My Thoughts
Alone.
Again.
With my thoughts.
Over-analyzing everything:
What you said.
What you didn't.
The way you acted.
How I feel with and without you.
The look in your eyes.
The softness of your touch.
Loneliness doesn't suit me well.
Not because I can't handle being alone,
But because I can't handle being alone with my thoughts.
Again.
With my thoughts.
Over-analyzing everything:
What you said.
What you didn't.
The way you acted.
How I feel with and without you.
The look in your eyes.
The softness of your touch.
Loneliness doesn't suit me well.
Not because I can't handle being alone,
But because I can't handle being alone with my thoughts.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Beyonce's Halo
I've never really cared for the song, but the lyrics were brought to my attention today. They are beautiful and remind me of one of my best friends...
Remember those walls I built
Well baby they tumbling down
And they didn't even put up a fight
They didn't even make a sound
I found a way to let you in
But I never really had a doubt
Standing in the light of your halo
I got my angel now
Bridge :
It's like I've been awakened
Every rule I had you breaking
It's the risk that I'm taking
I ain't never gonna shut you out
Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace
You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away
Chorus :
I can't feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
Hit me like a ray of sun
Burning through my darkest night
You're the only one that I want
Think I'm addicted to your light
I swore I'd never fall again
But this don't even feel like falling
Gravity can't begin
To pull me back to the ground again
Bridge :
Feels like I've been awakened
Every rule I had you breaking
The risk that I'm taking
I'm never gonna shut you out
Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace
You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away
Chorus :
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
Halooooo ouuuu
Halooooo ouuuu
Ouuuuu ouuuuu ouuuuu
Bridge :
Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace
You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away
Chorus :
I can feel your halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
Remember those walls I built
Well baby they tumbling down
And they didn't even put up a fight
They didn't even make a sound
I found a way to let you in
But I never really had a doubt
Standing in the light of your halo
I got my angel now
Bridge :
It's like I've been awakened
Every rule I had you breaking
It's the risk that I'm taking
I ain't never gonna shut you out
Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace
You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away
Chorus :
I can't feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
Hit me like a ray of sun
Burning through my darkest night
You're the only one that I want
Think I'm addicted to your light
I swore I'd never fall again
But this don't even feel like falling
Gravity can't begin
To pull me back to the ground again
Bridge :
Feels like I've been awakened
Every rule I had you breaking
The risk that I'm taking
I'm never gonna shut you out
Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace
You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away
Chorus :
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
Halooooo ouuuu
Halooooo ouuuu
Ouuuuu ouuuuu ouuuuu
Bridge :
Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace
You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away
Chorus :
I can feel your halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Looking
It amazes me sometimes.
Everyone has different lives, but really we all want the same thing: HAPPINESS.
Hard to find? I think so.
Maybe it is because I have buried it somewhere in the back of a dark closet,
Or I might have left it in a past life.
Wherever it is, I thought I was the only one looking for it.
In the process of looking, my opened eyes noticed that maybe everyone else is looking for it too.
How is it that so many are missing this element in their life?
Maybe someone else has my happiness.
Maybe I have been living with happiness that belongs to someone else.
Some say that have found their happiness, and that may be true, but do they every wonder if they could be happier?
I bet they could.
Everyone could.
Maybe I am not looking for happiness.
Maybe everyone else is looking for something else too.
CONTENTEDNESS?
Is that what it is?
Is the population settling for less than happiness?
I sure hope not.
Everyone has different lives, but really we all want the same thing: HAPPINESS.
Hard to find? I think so.
Maybe it is because I have buried it somewhere in the back of a dark closet,
Or I might have left it in a past life.
Wherever it is, I thought I was the only one looking for it.
In the process of looking, my opened eyes noticed that maybe everyone else is looking for it too.
How is it that so many are missing this element in their life?
Maybe someone else has my happiness.
Maybe I have been living with happiness that belongs to someone else.
Some say that have found their happiness, and that may be true, but do they every wonder if they could be happier?
I bet they could.
Everyone could.
Maybe I am not looking for happiness.
Maybe everyone else is looking for something else too.
CONTENTEDNESS?
Is that what it is?
Is the population settling for less than happiness?
I sure hope not.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
The Stars and I
Alone,
But not completely alone...with the company of the stars.
The night sky like a fruit tree, where I could just reach up and pick the brightest ball of fire.
Beauty so amazing it made my heart ache...
With every one that fell, I held my breath,
And wished the same wish
One...
Two.....
Three times.
Each time hoping that the most important wish I have ever wished
Would come true.
Not my first late night rendevous with the beauty of the night sky,
But it has been what seems like forever.
Star light, star bright
All the beautiful stars I see tonight
I wish I may, I wish I might
Have that one wish I wished tonight
But not completely alone...with the company of the stars.
The night sky like a fruit tree, where I could just reach up and pick the brightest ball of fire.
Beauty so amazing it made my heart ache...
With every one that fell, I held my breath,
And wished the same wish
One...
Two.....
Three times.
Each time hoping that the most important wish I have ever wished
Would come true.
Not my first late night rendevous with the beauty of the night sky,
But it has been what seems like forever.
Star light, star bright
All the beautiful stars I see tonight
I wish I may, I wish I might
Have that one wish I wished tonight
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