I haven’t written in ages.
There has been a yearning, but never has it felt needed. It still doesn’t feel needed, but I have nowhere to turn right now.
Tonight I face many demons. In most cases, it is my own demons, but at this very moment, the demons of another are attacking me like a swarm of raging bees.
I have many loves in my life, both past and present. There are people that come in and out of your life that you love. If the love is true and honest, it is one that remains no matter what the circumstances.
Right now, I have a love that hasn’t learned to love himself. Have you ever had an undying love for someone that doesn’t love the person they are?
I didn’t know until now, how hard it was. I didn’t realize that those that cared so much about me were hurting because I couldn’t see what I was doing to myself.
Now, I understand.
To those that have tried to love me in the past, those that I have turned away, I am truly sorry. To those that haven't turned away, I don't know how I will ever show or give enough gratitude.
While there are days that loving myself is still hard for me, I now have an undying appreciation for those that have tried so hard in the past to help me see how beneficial it is to at least appreciate the person I am.
Now the real question is what is next? Do I continue giving my undying love to someone that cannot appreciate the person they have the potential to be? Or do I move on like some of those in my past did with me? If I move on, how long until he realizes how much I cared or love.
Even scarier, what if he doesn’t realize it at all?
Today I was speaking with my best friend. I call a few people my best friend, but this is the one friend that knows everything. Anything that I haven't told him is because he hasn't asked, or we haven't touched on that topic yet, but I know we will - someday.
During our conversation, he told me something that was going on in his life that instantly made me sad - an emotion that I don't really have time for today (or this week, for that matter).
Did you know that there are some special days coming up? Maybe they aren't special to you and I for the same reasons, but this year it is going to be different - at least for me.
There have been many holiday celebrations since I split from my future ex-husband last June, but never have I felt that I was ever alone. Essentially, I am not. I have the most amazing little girl, that makes everyday, not just holidays, a joy and a celebration. And now that I think about it, alone may not be the word I am looking for to describe the feeling that overcame me today.
Every Easter, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Christmas (or whatever holdiay it was), I would do something special for my ex. On Easter, the simple gift of a couple of bags of his favorite candy would make him grin from ear to ear. I was always doing things like that. Never did I expect anything in return, except his happiness, but he usually did something that was as equally thoughtful.
Today, I was reminded about how that changed towards the end.
I remembered how I did so much for him during our last Christmas together, yet he didn't even bother to do anything for me. His excuse was that he didn't have time. An excuse that pisses me off until this day because three weeks before Christmas I had told him about the set of dishes that I was in love with from Wal-Mart, and he was in Wal-Mart three days before Christmas.
A month later, not only did I not see those dishes on my Birthday (which had been pointed out to him in Wal-Mart a few days after Christmas), but he failed to get a card, he didn't wish me Happy Birthday until one of my friends called him and reminded him that it was my special day, and he also forgot to inform our six-year old daughter that it was my Birthday. Again he didn't have time (a bullshit excuse), and I spent most of the night comforting my child, who was upset because she didn't get to make her mom a Birthday card.
I know that there were things before all this happened that started the demise of our marriage. In fact, we had probably both checked out long before this point, but now that I look back on it, I feel like I didn't stop trying until after these two things happened. I got so much happiness and satisfaction out of doing the little things for him, that I was blinded. I couldn't see how disfunctional things had really become.
Today, I am wondering which is worse...That I am upset because I don't have anyone that I can do the small things for? Or that I am upset because I just realized what it was that made the last little bit of love that I had for him disappear?
