Alone With My Thoughts

Alone.

Again.

With my thoughts.

Over-analyzing everything:

What you said.

What you didn't.

The way you acted.

How I feel with and without you.

The look in your eyes.

The softness of your touch.

Loneliness doesn't suit me well.

Not because I can't handle being alone,

But because I can't handle being alone with my thoughts.

Beyonce's Halo

I've never really cared for the song, but the lyrics were brought to my attention today. They are beautiful and remind me of one of my best friends...

Remember those walls I built
Well baby they tumbling down
And they didn't even put up a fight
They didn't even make a sound
I found a way to let you in
But I never really had a doubt
Standing in the light of your halo
I got my angel now

Bridge :
It's like I've been awakened
Every rule I had you breaking
It's the risk that I'm taking
I ain't never gonna shut you out
Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace
You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away

Chorus :
I can't feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo

Hit me like a ray of sun
Burning through my darkest night
You're the only one that I want
Think I'm addicted to your light
I swore I'd never fall again
But this don't even feel like falling
Gravity can't begin
To pull me back to the ground again

Bridge :
Feels like I've been awakened
Every rule I had you breaking
The risk that I'm taking
I'm never gonna shut you out
Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace
You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away

Chorus :
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
Halooooo ouuuu
Halooooo ouuuu
Ouuuuu ouuuuu ouuuuu

Bridge :
Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace
You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away

Chorus :
I can feel your halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo

Looking

It amazes me sometimes.
Everyone has different lives, but really we all want the same thing: HAPPINESS.

Hard to find? I think so.
Maybe it is because I have buried it somewhere in the back of a dark closet,
Or I might have left it in a past life.
Wherever it is, I thought I was the only one looking for it.
In the process of looking, my opened eyes noticed that maybe everyone else is looking for it too.

How is it that so many are missing this element in their life?
Maybe someone else has my happiness.
Maybe I have been living with happiness that belongs to someone else.

Some say that have found their happiness, and that may be true, but do they every wonder if they could be happier?
I bet they could.
Everyone could.

Maybe I am not looking for happiness.
Maybe everyone else is looking for something else too.

CONTENTEDNESS?

Is that what it is?
Is the population settling for less than happiness?

I sure hope not.

The Stars and I

Alone,
But not completely alone...with the company of the stars.

The night sky like a fruit tree, where I could just reach up and pick the brightest ball of fire.

Beauty so amazing it made my heart ache...

With every one that fell, I held my breath,
And wished the same wish

One...
Two.....
Three times.

Each time hoping that the most important wish I have ever wished
Would come true.

Not my first late night rendevous with the beauty of the night sky,
But it has been what seems like forever.

Star light, star bright
All the beautiful stars I see tonight
I wish I may, I wish I might
Have that one wish I wished tonight

Why

She's angry.
At me for doing what I am doing.
She doesn't understand my point of view,
But won't listen to it either.
Why?

I've been on the other side of this too, remember?
I've felt the hurt myself.
She isn't the only one,
But she won't try to understand it.
Why?

She's ignoring the pain.
It isn't the first time.
I was there for her then,
But she refuses to be there for me now.
Why?

What are we going to do about it?

the options are endless.
the reality is hard to look in the eye.

knowing what we want
but being afraid to get it

no matter your actions
i will leap with you

no matter your decision
i will be your rock

never, ever, EVER
should you doubt how much i love you

doubt

–verb (used with object)

1. to be uncertain about; consider questionable or unlikely; hesitate to believe.

2. to distrust.

3. Archaic. to fear; be apprehensive about.

–verb (used without object)

4.to be uncertain about something; be undecided in opinion or belief.

–noun

5. a feeling of uncertainty about the truth, reality, or nature of something.

6. distrust
7. a state of affairs such as to occasion uncertainty.

8. Obsolete. fear; dread.

Procrastination

I am so tired, that I can't even sleep.
A day has ended and another has began.
The motivation is gone and my mind is numb.
All of my thoughts seem exhausting,
But I am going to make it happen.

First, I will procrastinate a bit more.

Rescued

My enemy kept me locked in that tower.
A person I could never rid myself of.
She was constantly nagging:
You're too fat.
You're ugly.
You're stupid.
You're not good enough.
She repeated these things
Every time I saw her.

I couldn't ever respond back.
She always hurt me too much.
There was nothing I could do,
Except wait -
Wait for my knight to come.

I really believed it was true.
For once in my life I was happy.
He was everything I had hoped,
My knight in shining armor -
The one that came to rescue me.

He never had to face my enemy.
I think she was scared of him.
She wouldn't ever show her face.
I was finally free - free from her grasp.
He conquered my enemy.

He conquered me.

(From the archives, August 15, 2000)

There isn't much to say except...

I miss Joy.

I could certainly use her friendship and companionship right now.

There will be many who will try, but none that will ever replace.