I haven’t written in ages.
There has been a yearning, but never has it felt needed. It still doesn’t feel needed, but I have nowhere to turn right now.
Tonight I face many demons. In most cases, it is my own demons, but at this very moment, the demons of another are attacking me like a swarm of raging bees.
I have many loves in my life, both past and present. There are people that come in and out of your life that you love. If the love is true and honest, it is one that remains no matter what the circumstances.
Right now, I have a love that hasn’t learned to love himself. Have you ever had an undying love for someone that doesn’t love the person they are?
I didn’t know until now, how hard it was. I didn’t realize that those that cared so much about me were hurting because I couldn’t see what I was doing to myself.
Now, I understand.
To those that have tried to love me in the past, those that I have turned away, I am truly sorry. To those that haven't turned away, I don't know how I will ever show or give enough gratitude.
While there are days that loving myself is still hard for me, I now have an undying appreciation for those that have tried so hard in the past to help me see how beneficial it is to at least appreciate the person I am.
Now the real question is what is next? Do I continue giving my undying love to someone that cannot appreciate the person they have the potential to be? Or do I move on like some of those in my past did with me? If I move on, how long until he realizes how much I cared or love.
Even scarier, what if he doesn’t realize it at all?
Today I was speaking with my best friend. I call a few people my best friend, but this is the one friend that knows everything. Anything that I haven't told him is because he hasn't asked, or we haven't touched on that topic yet, but I know we will - someday.
During our conversation, he told me something that was going on in his life that instantly made me sad - an emotion that I don't really have time for today (or this week, for that matter).
Did you know that there are some special days coming up? Maybe they aren't special to you and I for the same reasons, but this year it is going to be different - at least for me.
There have been many holiday celebrations since I split from my future ex-husband last June, but never have I felt that I was ever alone. Essentially, I am not. I have the most amazing little girl, that makes everyday, not just holidays, a joy and a celebration. And now that I think about it, alone may not be the word I am looking for to describe the feeling that overcame me today.
Every Easter, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Christmas (or whatever holdiay it was), I would do something special for my ex. On Easter, the simple gift of a couple of bags of his favorite candy would make him grin from ear to ear. I was always doing things like that. Never did I expect anything in return, except his happiness, but he usually did something that was as equally thoughtful.
Today, I was reminded about how that changed towards the end.
I remembered how I did so much for him during our last Christmas together, yet he didn't even bother to do anything for me. His excuse was that he didn't have time. An excuse that pisses me off until this day because three weeks before Christmas I had told him about the set of dishes that I was in love with from Wal-Mart, and he was in Wal-Mart three days before Christmas.
A month later, not only did I not see those dishes on my Birthday (which had been pointed out to him in Wal-Mart a few days after Christmas), but he failed to get a card, he didn't wish me Happy Birthday until one of my friends called him and reminded him that it was my special day, and he also forgot to inform our six-year old daughter that it was my Birthday. Again he didn't have time (a bullshit excuse), and I spent most of the night comforting my child, who was upset because she didn't get to make her mom a Birthday card.
I know that there were things before all this happened that started the demise of our marriage. In fact, we had probably both checked out long before this point, but now that I look back on it, I feel like I didn't stop trying until after these two things happened. I got so much happiness and satisfaction out of doing the little things for him, that I was blinded. I couldn't see how disfunctional things had really become.
Today, I am wondering which is worse...That I am upset because I don't have anyone that I can do the small things for? Or that I am upset because I just realized what it was that made the last little bit of love that I had for him disappear?
So, you want something.
Everybody does. Everyone has at least one thing that they can do without, but they feel that they are not going to function if they don’t get it.
For example:
- My six (and a half) year old daughter wants the Zhu Zhu Pets game for her Nintendo DS and a real live dog (a full-size white French poodle to be more specific). Don’t get me started on the whole “We don’t have time for a dog” speech.
- My first husband wanted and still wants multiple women (hence the reason he is an ex) – as many of them as he can get. Currently his wife and his girlfriend are letting him get away with the fact that each of them know that the other exists. Don’t get me started on this one either.
- According to The Rolling Stones, Mother just wanted a little helper (a.k.a. Vailum).
- And in the great words of the one and only Cyndi Lauper, girls just wanna have fu-un. (Yes, I just broke into song while typing this.)
Anyway, we all want something. You want something. He wants something. She wants something, and I want something - the latter of which is what brought me to this post.
I want more than something. I want a lot of things. I want decent renters in the apartment above my house. I want to get my bills paid and paid off. I want to be skinny (a want that has existed ever since I realized I was supposed to like boys). I want to be rich (so did Calloway – look it up on YouTube for a quick smile). I want to be happy. I want. I want. I want. (I feel so greedy for putting it like that.)
There is one thing I want that I won’t specifically state on here. Some of my closest friends know what it is, but that is a select few (or two, but the phrase “a select two” just doesn’t make sense).
The reason I know this last, non-specified thing is a want is because I don’t need it. I can live without it. Life will happen whether I get it or not. However, this want has left a void. I feel sad or angry or upset or…hell I don’t know how to explain it.
Also, this want is something I can never have. Never. I mean, I can, but chances are pretty slim. I don’t ever expect to get it – yet I still want it. I long for it. I wish for it. I cry about the fact that I can’t have it. Not having this has left a void. (Shit, I think I said “void” earlier…sorry about the repetition).
How does one fill the void? How does one get past that want? How does one not compare other options to what is wanted? I have other options. I have other things to make my empty space seem a little less…well… empty, but I compare those things to what I actually want so much that I just push them aside. Nothing is good enough.
The only thing I want more…is to not want that particular want anymore.
