What a Girl Wants.....

So, you want something.

Everybody does. Everyone has at least one thing that they can do without, but they feel that they are not going to function if they don’t get it.

For example:

• My six (and a half) year old daughter wants the Zhu Zhu Pets game for her Nintendo DS and a real live dog (a full-size white French poodle to be more specific). Don’t get me started on the whole “We don’t have time for a dog” speech.
  
• My first husband wanted and still wants multiple women (hence the reason he is an ex) – as many of them as he can get. Currently his wife and his girlfriend are letting him get away with the fact that each of them know that the other exists. Don’t get me started on this one either.
  
• According to The Rolling Stones, Mother just wanted a little helper (a.k.a. Vailum).
  
• And in the great words of the one and only Cyndi Lauper, girls just wanna have fu-un. (Yes, I just broke into song while typing this.)
  

Anyway, we all want something. You want something. He wants something. She wants something, and I want something - the latter of which is what brought me to this post.

I want more than something. I want a lot of things. I want decent renters in the apartment above my house. I want to get my bills paid and paid off. I want to be skinny (a want that has existed ever since I realized I was supposed to like boys). I want to be rich (so did Calloway – look it up on YouTube for a quick smile). I want to be happy. I want. I want. I want. (I feel so greedy for putting it like that.)

There is one thing I want that I won’t specifically state on here. Some of my closest friends know what it is, but that is a select few (or two, but the phrase “a select two” just doesn’t make sense).

The reason I know this last, non-specified thing is a want is because I don’t need it. I can live without it. Life will happen whether I get it or not. However, this want has left a void. I feel sad or angry or upset or…hell I don’t know how to explain it.

Also, this want is something I can never have. Never. I mean, I can, but chances are pretty slim. I don’t ever expect to get it – yet I still want it. I long for it. I wish for it. I cry about the fact that I can’t have it. Not having this has left a void. (Shit, I think I said “void” earlier…sorry about the repetition).

How does one fill the void? How does one get past that want? How does one not compare other options to what is wanted? I have other options. I have other things to make my empty space seem a little less…well… empty, but I compare those things to what I actually want so much that I just push them aside. Nothing is good enough.

The only thing I want more…is to not want that particular want anymore.